Discussion: Talk to the Hand

…’cause I’m so not reading that book.

We talked about what to say to people when they recommend a book you don’t want to read (I Don’t Want to Read That Book), but how do you determine that a book you’ve never read just isn’t your thing? 

For me, I have a few things that make me automatically say HECK NO! to a book. None of these are hard and fast rules—I’ve more than once been proved horribly wrong by resisting a book on these grounds only to find out later that I love the book. That doesn’t mean I’ve learned not to closed-mindedly employ the DO NOT WANT card, because I do. Frequently.

Here are some features, characters, and plot devices that make me 

Don't be fooled. They're pure evil.

Fairies 

Sure they may be pretty (especially when they sparkle), but they are evil. Yup, you heard me and Evie from Paranormalcy will back me up on this. You don’t trust fairies because they’re VERY VERY BAD! They’re mean and usually have a ten foot long pole shoved up their butts. I also have a hugely difficult time connecting to them with all their aloof superiority. I may have an irrational hatred, but I'm extremely unlikely to read a book about fairies (unless I've read numerous incredible reviews and succumb to peer pressure).

Exceptions to the rule: JULIE KAGAWA! That woman changed my world. Honorable mention goes to Kiersten White who penned the maddening fairy Reth. Despite the fact that he’s a very bad fairy, he has inexplicably captured my interest. 

 

Issues

When I was a teenager I lived and breathed for “issues” books. If the main character had to deal with any of the following I was all over it: Self-mutilation, eating disorders, panic attacks, abusive parents/boyfriend/friend/sibling, alcoholic parent, drug use, terminal illness, teen pregnancy, discrimination, depression/mental illness, suicide, rape, etc. If they make a pamphlet for it, then I probably devoured a book about it.

But now? I’m over it. I just want to read about princesses and stuff. I pretty much don’t want to read about the harsh realities of life anymore. I want to escape into a book that has sparkles and pink and gosh darn it I want a happy ending!  If the story ends on some profound note of “Oh cruel world!” with the main character tragically banging her head against the padded room wall or dying in a puddle of her own vomit or murdering her children then I’m not interested!  

I don’t care how poignant it is.

Exception to the rule: Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. Erm, is it appropriate to squee with book love over a book about suicide? This book is also one of my favorite examples of dual narration and unconventional narration styles. Honestly, a bunch more too. These can be great books, they're just not what I'm looking for now.

 
Preaching

I don’t like it when the author tells me what to think. I’m not against a book with a good message, but I don’t want it to be so in my face that I feel like I’m being lectured. This is especially annoying if I don’t even agree with the author’s conclusions.

Subtlety is your friend. Or, even better, show me a situation and let me come to my own conclusions (Great examples: The Adoration of Jenna Fox, The Julian Game).

Preaching gets a million times worse when the author is not only standing on a pulpit, but they’re talking to me like I’m incapable of getting complex messages so they need to break it down for me and then beat me over the head with their point over and over and over. 

Exception to the rule: 1984 (though I still actually haven't been able to finish it yet), Fahrenheit 451, and a bunch of other good dystopians

Animal Protagonists that Talk

Pantalaimon's cool.

I love animals, but I have a very hard time connecting with a book when the entire cast is made up of anthropomorphic animals. It’s kind of strange given my childhood obsession with Maple Town, Catwings, and my *cough* enduring *cough*  love of Disney movies like The Fox and the Hound, 101 Dalmatians, and Lady and the Tramp. But something about them in books just bothers me.  I’m totally cool when they’re animals and they don’t talk (White Fang), but I’m lost when they start talking (Watership Down).

Check out Danya's adorably titled post Talk is Cheep for a more in-depth discussion on this pet peeve. 

Exceptions to the rule: When there are human protagonists as well. The daemons in Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy, Jane Lindskold’s Wolf series, Aslan in the Narnia series, etc.

What????

Phonetic Dialect

I loved Wuthering Heights but every time the character Joseph spoke in his phonetically spelled Yorkshire accent I couldn’t understand squat. Why, oh why do authors do this? Is it just me that has trouble with this? It doesn’t matter what accent it is, I am completely and utterly lost. I have to sit there almost whispering the words to make sense of what the characters are saying. In the very best situations, I can understand what’s being said but my reading is severely slowed.

Good authors know how to convey a character’s mannerisms, dialect, and culture just fine without messing with the spelling of words. Please authors, please write words according to their proper spelling. Please? Otherwise I’m sorry, but I’m not reading your book.  

Exceptions: None yet.

 

What are features in books that will immediately turn you off?
 Have you been faced with exceptions to your rules?
Do you have any suggestions that fall into my categories that you think I absolutely must read?

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